- I wanted to be a chef like Julia Child, or a cruise director like Julie on the Love Boat.
- I wanted to win a car on the Price is Right and, if I couldn't do that, I wanted to win enough money on Wheel of Fortune to, not only buy trips and a new kitchen for my mom, but also that little dog statue for $200.
- I wanted to own a resort at the Wisconsin Dells.
- I wanted to be married and have at least six kids
- I wanted to be a writer and a teacher.
If I wanted to.
Along the way I've pieced together life experiences that translate to teacher, writer, chef (okay, so that's a bit of a stretch...I was for one week the tombstone pizza taste tester "chef" at EconoFoods in Winona) So I think I've ecked out a pretty good realization of those childhood dreams.
Where I'm going next in this life's journey is a conundrum. I've taken a deep look at what I'm doing and I've gotten comfortable and a bit detached from work. That's a problem. The joy that I have in the small things are overshadowed by the fact that for a few years I've pretty much become invisible behind the scenes and I've quietly become complacent, which isn't my work style at all.
I've also decided that could change.
If I wanted it to.
A few years ago I started taking a look at God and me. I think I've lumped my relationship with Him in a very similar way I've approached work.
I grew up in a household that believed in God. We learned a bedtime prayer. My parents didn't really require us to go to church. Sunday school was manditory until we were confirmed. I was actively involved in everything - teaching vbs, serving on boards, going to youth group things. We read the bible at youth group on Sundays. God was Sunday. During the week there wasn't much to think about and I was fine with it.
I went to college at Winona State and lived about a mile from campus first quarter. I didn't really know a soul except my brother however he got housing on campus and I never saw him. Although Winona is a town with a bar and church on every corner it was pretty easy to sleep in Sunday mornings. As the years moved on I got a job at the radio station in town working the 6 a.m. - 2 p.m. shift. And then after college I moved home and got a job at the mall, which made going to church even more difficult.
I fell in love. We broke up and I've never felt so alone. I moved home and decided I needed church. I got super involved again ... doing things. Surface level things.
At the same time my family was going through a pretty rough period and it seemed like work wasn't going so well so I ditched everything and moved to minnesota.
I got a new job, had a few good friends, my family healed, but something was missing. I headed to church. I shopped churches for a couple of years and ended up at WLC by chance. I didn't really want to get involved though. So I spent a year or so just going once in a while - something to do on Sunday.
At the same time I started having severe panic attacks. They'd come on suddenly and it seemed like I was having a heart attack. I went to doctors and therapy and went on medication. Nothing really was working.
A friend of mine from high school died right around this same time. It kind of put life into a bit of a perspective for me. She was supposed to be the one likely to succeed. She had two beautiful boys and a husband who loved her. And God decided her life was over.
That was hard.
My cube neighbor at work and I didn't really talk much. I knew he was a christian and was heading on a mission trip. One morning right around this same time he stopped by my cube and just asked how I was doing. And I shared a lot. More than I typically do with anyone. And he asked me one question along the lines of what my relationship with God was at. He told me he didn't want an answer but to think about it and if I wanted to talk he was just over the wall.
And then I went to church and I really remember this specifically - that sunday was a message about dandilions and the sowing seeds parable and the state of your heart and I'll probably botch the analogy but it was somewhat about how deeply rooted your relationship with God was at or were you letting other things invade your heart- kind of freaked me out a bit. But it made me think.
I'd believed and carried God along with me like some sort of collector's card or get out of life's despair free card. I got busy doing things and He really was a friend I visited with on Sundays and life was good until it really wasn't and I didn't have a clue what was missing.
I think it's easy to believe God exists in a surface level. It's easy to just lump church stuff with God too. Some sort of checkmark on life's list of weekly to-do's. Get really busy but never really know Him. Just know those key phrases to prove you are a christian - that by his grace we are saved and those that have ingrained in our hearts since sunday school to the tune of Jesus Loves Me this I know but really never do anything with that knowledge or really know where it comes from other than some pastor somewhere once told it to me so it must be true.
I started wondering what I really knew. Not parroted by somebody who went to seminary or who seemingly had it all figured out but really what did I know? And I realized I didn't know much at all. But that wasn't a bad thing, merely a start of a journey. And life has been different. My outlook has been different. And the hard things have still been hard, but not devastating.
I only bring this up because I think the realization I've come to about God is a similar one I can learn from about work. It's a whole heart effort.
I should be a good employee with my whole heart.
If I wanted to.
No comments:
Post a Comment