Last night after work I went Christmas shopping. I don't have a list. I typically have some semblance of a clue what I want to get for people but this year is difficult. I'm trying to find thoughtful gifts, ones that people wouldn't typically think of but might really like but as I stood in the midst of Walmart looking at my cart I know a lot of things that I would really like but I don't have a clue when it comes to anyone but Jerry. Typically I don't have a problem with him - and besides he does have an amazon.com gift list if I do get stuck.

I don't want to buy gifts just to buy them...I want to spend time, thinking about the people - who they are and what they mean to me... so I thought I'd start here:

Jerry: is my heart and my conscience. There is a reason why God made us twins. When I announced that I wasn't coming home for christmas it was he who tugged at my heart to get me to change my mind. When I think of my best memories of christmas - they always have him in it. We had a great childhood and many of the gifts I think of for him are memories of that childhood. We are getting older but there's still something that tugs my heart about standing next to him at church on christmas eve and glancing his way...he glancing mine as we sing the the second and third verses of many of the christmas carols by heart. We have history.

Pete: Is the brother I couldn't understand growing up but the man I'm begining to admire as an adult. We have similar tempers and for the most part I just am glad he found Sara to share his heart because it seemed like he didn't really think he found it with us - even though it was always there. The idea of Pete being a dad in the next year is something I'm still trying to figure out. He will always in my head be the 16 year old locking us in the basement. I think I will get him something to remind him to have fun before his life completely changes.

Dad: Rounding out the men in my life. I know it frustrates dad that the stroke and cancer are reminding him that he's getting older. I so want to grab him and shake him and shout that only God knows how long our lives are and that he's been blessed with the chance to LIVE. That said, I'll probably still get him clothes because the man still needs a reminder that adding white patent leather to any ensemble went out in 1973.

Mom: She's having a hard time these last several years and I do wish that she finds happiness somewhere. Even if it is on her own. Every year I paint a sweatshirt for her but I just don't have one in me this year. I'm not entirely sure, but I figure part of the decision to come home is probably the best gift I could have given her. She needs her family around to know that we love her...no matter how far away we live.

Sara: She says I always know what to buy her but truthfully I'm stumped this year. This is their first christmas officially as part of the family so I'm thinking about heart...just don't know how that translates yet.

Tante Violet: She helps mom so much - not necessarily in a physical sense but she gets her out of the house and talks to her every day. I'm not sure what the two of them will do without each other...There is this willow tree angel that I was thinking of....

Uncle Gene - some sort of breakfast food gift certificate :)

There are about 20 kids to shop for as well...hopefully there will be toys left at Walmart and I'll just make a dash when my plane lands on Saturday.

Of course, I will need to make it through this week first. Which is something to pray for. I'm having a hard time with one of my co-workers. I need patience. I also need about 24 hours to focus primarily on work without getting bothered or distracted. I don't hardly feel like I"m in the Christmas spirit and that makes me feel so sad. Can focus be such a trying thing? Maybe its the warm weather too but it hardly seems like it can be the 16th of December already. I'm not complaining about the lack of snow because I don't particularly like snow however Christmas and snow seem to just go together.