I hate cancer. Actually I hate all illness. When I think about the fact that my high school friend's children will be growing up without their mother who has already died or when I think about my friend at work who doesn't want to say much but has two close family members fighting, it is just such a joy-stealer. Last night our small group listened to Pastor Dean's sermon and in the midst he mentioned Jeff Hanson and his words of advice to his son. I don't know Jeff but the words just made me so very sad. There's so much that I still want to do in this life, but you just never truly know when your last day will be.

Or maybe you work all of your life, not leaving a whole lot of time for family and friends and you get to retirement and you haven't learned how to stop and rest or you haven't learned how to soak up every moment. Or you just figure it out and you get cancer or have a stroke and You suddenly think that life's just over, but you are still here and hate your life.

So here and now because putting it in some blog that i will probably erase someday makes it more likely that I will do it (oh yeah!), I will try and be more intentional with my life. That' s just vague enough to suit me just fine.

I'm not getting any younger and when I think about the milestones that I should have hit by now I wonder if they are even in "the plan"? It's hard to risk love again. Or maybe I've never experienced it? Maybe its not even love (although that would be special), maybe at this point I'd start with friendship with the hope of love? Almost all of my friends are married. They almost all have kids They almost all have really busy lives. It's really selfish because maybe its not in the plan but I want that. Maybe even the kids part too although that really scares me. I'm closer to 40 than I am 30 and there are days that I barely take care of myself but still it's a thought to ponder on this journey called life.

And now I've got to roam my closet to figure out what to wear tomorrow...the other sucky thing about lunch is that it's one of those "need to look like the upwardly mobile professional" sort of things so I probably need to unearth my ironing board tonight. JOY